No, no, no. That’s Training Day. That’s a movie that I can’t watch because it scares the bejeezus out of me, every single time. Denzel, I love you. But sometimes you scare me.
No, this is about my first trainer ride of the season. A Nor’Easter is blowing through the Delaware Valley today, so instead of riding on my lovely Chester County roads, Bikey and I are stuck indoors on the trainer. Here’s my setup:
Pure luxury. Stuck in between the couch and the wall in my den. I am not so lucky to have a full, finished, carpeted basement with a 70-inch plasma on the wall and a wet bar just in case I want to make a mid-ride martini. Nope, I’m slumming it in the lowest level of my suburban split-level. I’m okay with that, because when the revolution starts, they’re gonna skip right over me and go for the McMansions around the corner. That’ll give me time to get to my underground lair under the volcano in the middle of Cedar Island. No, there’s no room for you.
Almost finished. Carpets installed next week. Plus, the wet bar.
Back to the trainer. I’ve spent many hours on my trainer, preparing for long spring races like Devilman and Eagleman. How do you pass the time while spinning and going nowhere? I used to be a Spinervals fan, but I could only take so much of Troy Jacobson screaming at me. I saw Troy once at the expo at Eagleman. He looked at me, and I flinched and readied myself to be berated. (He didn’t berate me. I guess that’s just a character he plays on DVDs.)
Then I started watching lots of movies, especially anything with Jason Bourne in it.
It’s at this point that we need to get one thing straight. THERE ARE THREE JASON BOURNE MOVIES. NOT FOUR. THE BOURNE LEGACY IS A SHAM, WRAPPED IN A FARCE, ROLLED UP IN A COUPLE YARDS OF RIP-OFF.
Completing a trainer workout while watching one of these movies is exhausting, if you do it right. I like to go race-pace during any fight or chase scene. Think about it. That’s a lot of work.
As much as Jason kicks utter ass, my favorite character is Pamela Landy. If Joan Allen were to suddenly fall ill or become injured, I could totally play that part. Here she is, being so cool:
Get some rest, Pam. You look tired.
Sorry. Back to the trainer again. Instead of movies, I now watch Paincave episodes which stream on my PC. I usually choose either a 30 or 60 minute workout. I haven’t yet found the courage to try the 90 minute workouts. Paincave combines a trainer workout with footage from pro cycling races, like the Tour of California and US Pro Cycling Champs in Colorado. Included is the race commentary by Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen.
Yesterday, I beat all racers on a mountain stage of the Tour of Cali, including this amateur (who still gets all the press):
Of course, I’m kidding. Lance wasn’t there. He is retired, spending lots of time in his own underground lair:
Dear God, I am all over the place. Good thing it’s the off-season. Back to the trainer.
I love my Paincave videos, because they keep me focused on the workout, without being boring. Bonus, I get an eyeful of Michael Egan, the stud who directs the workouts. He’s like a young and sexy male version of Vanna White. Ducet-toned voice. Slicked back hair. Impish grin. While he’s no Matt Damon, he’s still nice for the ladies.
(At this point, I should disclose that last week I won the Paincave Photo Contest on Facebook. My triumphant win of a Paincave water bottle has in no way influenced my opinion of Mr. Egan or Paincave videos. True story.)
So, what’s the lesson learned here? The take-away? What’s the moral of this blog post?
- Training in the off-season doesn’t have to be torturous.
- The Bourne Trilogy is the greatest film trilogy of all time.
- The Mediocre Triathlete is a sexist, whose endorsement is easily bought for the low, low price of a plastic water bottle.
Yup. That pretty much sums it up.