Breaking News: Thousands Attempt to Escape the Cape

It’s probably not “Breaking News”, but in my head I’m a triathlon journalist, always on the beat.  (I’m also a Tony award winner and a famous physicist in my head.  And during March Madness, I’m Jay Bilas. It’s a crowded place, my head.)

This triathlon reporter just happened to be on site at the Cape May-Lewes Ferry Terminal in Lower Township, NJ early on the morning of Sunday, June 8th when approximately 1,200 triathletes attempted to Escape the Cape.  Their ring leader, Stephen Del Monte of Delmo Sports (seen here) apparently planned the break.

delmo

 This reporter learned that the radios he is wearing don’t really work.  They just look cool.

Through what we can only guess was a monumental amount of sweet talking and charm, he managed to abscond with one of the Cape May-Lewes ferries.  Here is a picture of the boat as Del Monte backs it up toward the dock to load the accomplices.

before

Beep.  Beep.  Beep.

Once the 1,200 triathletes boarded the stolen vessel, they pulled away from the dock and motored up the Delaware River.  For all intents and purposes, it looked though the athletes had escaped scot-free.  Then, to the utter surprise of everyone, they started jumping off the back of the boat and swimming back toward the Cape. So much for escape.

after

What?????

What a bunch of dummies. Sorry for that editorial outburst.  It won’t happen again.

Coming ashore, they ran quickly into a parking lot where 1,200 bicycles stood, unlocked and ready to ride.  It looked like the athletes had found another way to Escape the Cape. Shockingly, they simply rode in a big loop and returned back to the parking lot.  Some of them rode two loops.  This reporter was convinced that these “two loop” athletes would actually escape after the first loop.  As it turns out, these were the “International” escapees. Possibly their fear of being in a foreign land compelled them to return.  Maybe they couldn’t read the signs? Anyway, they all came back. Every last one of them.

bikes

Some nice bikes. I still can’t believe they brought them all back.

Finally, they hopped off the bikes and found 1,200 pairs of running shoes.  As I witnessed the chaos of the attempted escape, I thought surely these morons athletes will flee on foot into the surrounding neighborhood and find places to hide.  But, as to not ruin the worst escape attempt in the history of all time, they simply ran down the beach, stopped for some water, and ran back.
KD

 This particular International escapee smiled as she returned.

As the terrifically botched escape attempt came to an end, the athletes all seemed very happy, even though no one actually escaped.  The sun was shining, there was music playing, there was a buffet and cold beer.  Awards were given to the athletes that escaped, and then returned, the fastest. While it’s possible that this reporter may have mistaken an actual race for a prison break, the pleasant demeanor of those involved could also be also explained by Stockholm Syndrome, low blood sugar, or E-ttox. Besides, how else do you explain the drone overhead, taking photos of the entire event?

hoverThe CIA. We do more than Tweet.

All fake journalism aside, it was a great day.  The weather, the course, the music, the spectators. Great friends and great fun. All of it. Two thumbs up and five stars from this mediocre triathlete. If you were there, please share your thoughts on the race below, or on my FB page.  I would love to hear from you!

back of boat

Three normal people and me.  I WASN’T READY!!!

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8 thoughts

  1. Great article! I especially appreciate it since my husband also noted the irony of swimming right back to the cape I was escaping 😉

    Like

  2. Some of your best reporting ever! I wish I could have been there this year. See…I’m not stalking you. I was in Newark, DE while you were in Cape May, NJ. And don’t believe all those people who said that was MY drone hovering overhead.

    Like

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